In loving memory of our BJ who we love so much. BJ will be greatly missed and be in our hearts forever. BJ was THE love of my life. BJ's mom, Lucy, was a beautiful little soul who was dumped at the end of the country road i lived on. it was before i understood how important it was to spay/neuter all animals. so, Lucy came along and just joined right in the family. i loved her dearly. then there was Baxter. Baxter was a Pit Bull Terrier who was one of the most beautiful babies i'd ever seen and turns out...Baxter's humans didn't believe in neutering their dogs so Baxter knocked up Lucy. I thank god for that everyday :) So, Lucy...pregnant and loved stayed around and then one day i found her off alone whining...i went to check on her and she was giving birth. BJ was something like the 4th one out. I was the first human to touch him after being born and i held him in my arms when he died. connected, hell yes we were!!! then, more uneducated humans (us) went on about life...feeding and loving every second we could but then the parvo came and it was serious. only 5 survived. BJ had it really bad but he pulled through. after that, i took that boy home with me and never looked back and eventhough he was with me through some tough times (most, if not all of my own making), i HOPE AND PRAY AND HOPE AND PRAY AND HOPE that he was happy. sure, i would've done some things differently, BJ...i would have walked you every single day and never yelled at you...no dog deserves to be yelled at but that's another thing you taught me....don't yell at angels. and then there were those years...yes, years....where i barely got out of bed but you never complained...you just laid with me. i hate myself for that now....you deserved an active, mentally healthy human and i was not either of those for several years of your life and i'm so sorry. i hope you know i did the best i could at the time. i want so badly to believe i'll see you again, BJ...that when my time here is finished, i'll cross over and there you'll be but it's just not what i believe. i know your soul, your energy is here now, always has been and always will be...infinite...but as far as a thinking, feeling, remembering, etc. part of me or you that survives the deaths of our bodies...i just don't believe and that breaks my heart b/c i want more than anything to see you again. before you left...when i knew the hours were ticking down...i got as close as i could to your sweet, perfect face and watched EVERYTHING...every breath, every blink, everything. and you use to love to give mama kisses...licking me all over my face. i knew you were slipping away from me when you were no longer interested in kissing me....who knows, it may have hurt or you may have just felt too bad to concern yourself with kisses. i don't think i got a kiss from you the last 2 weeks or so of your life and i couldn't let you go without that feeling just one more time so, when you refused to kiss me...i just set and waiting and this breaks my heart even thinking about all this but i'm guessing b/c you were sick to your stomach you would smack your perfect little mouth and lick your lips (that's the best way i can describe it) and i know you wanted to murder me but i just stuck my face right up to yours...nose to nose...and i stayed there until you were finished licking your lips but i got to feel that precious tongue and i pretended it was like the good ol days when you licked mama to death and those licks were so sweet and so sad b/c they were not your normal licks...they were the licks of a sick, sick baby who just wanted to feel better. godddd, that breaks my heart thinking about that. i had to feel it one more time though, BJ. i'm sorry you were so sick and i had my face all up in your face but i couldn't live the rest of my life without one more lick/kiss from THE love of my life. i hope you understand. this has to be the most rambling entry of all the entries i've written on this site and of all the entries written by all the other moms and dads. i just wanted to get it out and thank you critters.com family and all the furbabies we are here celebrating and missing for giving me a family that truly understands the pain in my heart!!!! it is such a gift...such a wonderful gift!!! i never expected it and it has turned into the best therapy for dealing with you not being here with me physically anymore, BJ. i'm going to go now...it's time to get off work and head home which is the hardest part of the day for me. i lived.....LIVED....HEAR ME WORLD WHEN I TELL YOU I LIVED TO MAKE IT BACK HOME TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE EVERY SINGLE DAY. thank you for allowing me to be a rambling hot mess critters.com family! i love you all so much! and BJ, you are THE love of my life and mama loves you more than life itself! rest in love sweet baby boy, rest in so much love. <3
Beeeeeeeeeeej! This is one of the most bittersweet moments i've ever seen. You had been so sick and playing was just not one of your interests. i now know why. your sweet lil lungs had a lot of fluid in them and that made it incredibly hard to do much of anything. i knew deep down...i believe you told me...that this was it and for me to be as present as i possibly could with you so that i wouldn't have too many regrets later. and i listened. when you grabbed mickey and didn't "murder" him, i knew you weren't feeling too hot b/c you love to "murder" a stuffed animal...that was your "thing" in this life. you managed to pull mickey's nose off and i layed on the floor and tried to soak in everything about you and and the moment. your sweet hair, your perfect nose, those teeth, ears, the white tip on your tail, the little tan spots on the white part of your coat...i could draw every single one of them by memory...I JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH. i hope you know how much i loved you and that you are THE ONLY reason i'm still alive...so many times, i wanted to leave this life and YOU WERE THE ONLY reason i didn't. and i'm so grateful to you for that. i wish i had been a better human to you...one that you deserved, which is THE BEST. i wish i would have walked you every single day and i really wish i would have not be so protective of you that you missed out on a lot. you didn't get to run all over the neighborhood b/c i didn't want you to end like all the others that get hit and die or suffer...i didn't like taking you everywhere i went in the car b/c the doggie seatbelt was a joke. i just loved you but i see now my love was pretty selfish and i'm so sorry. i don't know how to live with this BJ. i am overwhelmed with guilt. Grandma and Grandpa miss you so much too! i am so grateful that out of the entire litter and your mom, you were the only one the made it. all your brothers and sisters and mom didn't make it long. but you...you came with me and you were cherished to the very end. i also am so sorry i cried like i did when they put that needle in your arm....i was holding your face and telling you how much i loved you but i know you could tell something was wrong and i hate that you went out like that..i hope you understand now. another thing i want to thank you for....you know your grandma and grandpa love me very much but we have had our problems...mainly of my making. i didn't realize how much they loved me and how truly there for me they were/are until you got sick. you brought us all back together and wow, that's a special. we miss you every second of every day. i love you sweet boy! you're the love of my life! mama loves you more than life itself! ~love~mama
I think you knew this would be your last visit with your Uncle Tommy. You ran in and laid out on his lap. Completely out of character for you. So sweet and heartbreaking.
And you did the same thing to your Aunt Jill...sweet, sweet baby. They love you so very much too! Everyone does!!!
This is what i keep reminding myself...
Into the cosmos you go sweet boy...you are part of all of us now. i love you!
You talking to your mama...I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that i'll never hear you howl again. love you sweet baby!!!!
Just me and my boyfriend :) I thought life was difficult then...little did i know, i had absolutely everything i needed.
I can see you laying there at the end of the couch...I would give ANYTHING i have to cuddle with you one more time. Sometimes, BJ...i don't think i'll make it through this. my heart is so broken. i love you.
19 days since you left this life and i don't know how i feel, love. i just feel like having one of our talks and this is the best it gets now...writing to you on here. you know your mama loves all animals and believes they are our equals. i also believe dogs, as well as other animals, are more enlightened beings than us humans. my point, i know your perfect soul is around and would want nothing more than for me to be okay and to help other animals. so, in your name, that's what i'm going to do. also, the thought of you gives me such inspiration, BJ...I'm going to start taking better care of myself. i swore i'd never walk again after you died b/c i hadn't taken you in so long and that was me just being a selfish, selfish human and i'm so incredibly sorry. but now, i think you would want me to get out there...walk....take your little brother, Bodhi, on walks like we use to go on. you are not human...you don't have jealousy and hate in your sweet heart..of course you would want me to be good to myself and your little brother. i'm going to do that, BJ. you came into my life and saved it and i will not let that gift be wasted. i will take better care of myself and be better to my loved ones all in your honor. b/c BJ, if not for you, i would be 6 feet under...that is a fact. you saved my life and i will make you proud. i love you so much baby boy. sooooo much. i miss you constantly. remember you are THE love of my life and mama loves you more than life itself! love - mama