Before you left me, I never gave a thought or care to an after-life but from the moment you closed your beautiful eyes, it's what I wish for most in the world.
Living and breathing without you is so difficult but I could bear it a little more if I knew your amazing and beautiful spirit was still living somewhere and that when I'm finished in this world, I'll be able to hold you, feel your soft fur, hear your little voice talk to me again and wake up to your paws on my face as you lie next to me in the mornings.
Your presence in my life was utterly life changing. I know I told you constantly what you meant to me and how you'd fixed my broken heart. I feel now, that you took my heart with you but I couldn't have given it to anyone more special.
You were always happy and playful even through the pain. Your sister Piper misses you. None of the girls play or sleep together anymore - you were the glue that held them all together. Piper sleeps with me now every night. Sometimes I find her sitting on the bed staring up at your photo on the wall. She looks so sad.
David always said we won the lottery when we got each other - no one could have loved you more and I have never felt so loved.
Thank you for choosing me - I never believed anything so wonderful could happen to me. You are magic. You are my angel. You fixed my broken heart.
I love you so much. Please be happy and safe until I come to join you.
Your Mam, Colette x
Phoebe & Piper - my beautiful girls x
People have left such lovely messages for my girl. I am so thankful for them all.
I don't visit your page so much anymore Phoebe. The pain was so excruciating that I had take a step back. Not from you, but from the loss of you.
You're gone over a year now and lately it's been a little easier but please know that it doesn't mean I don't love you with my whole heart. I feel so guilty - I'm so scared that I'll forget you or you'll fade. I think the memories have to dim a little so that we can keep moving in this world but when I stop to look at your photos again I know that you'll always be alive in me, in my heart. You were my heart my beautiful girl.
I wrote this poem after you left. Happy birthday my angel.
Your Mam xxxxxxx
My heart and spirit fought in pain today,
angel be, death moved you out of sight.
you rest in the sliver of disbelief,
time is fixed now, we rest in night.
my bliss, it echoes still, so life repeats
and broken i walk with ghosts circling my feet,
your heart breathed life into my soul,
wait for me, breathe me real, make me whole.
I miss your beautiful face
Hello my darling girl,
I haven't visited your page in a long time but you're with me everyday in my heart. I finished my thesis recently and I guess it kept my mind busy but now that it's done I find the quietness of life lets the heartache back in a little more. I dedicated my thesis to my family and to you my beautiful girl.
Things have been easier at times but then the guilt edges in...the guilt that I'm letting you go but I never will my baby girl. You have my heart. I just wanted you to know that.
i love you more than I know how to express - I feel it so deep inside me that I know it will never leave, that you were the miracle I needed to help me get up and move again.
I love you angel, my beautiful angel. I have your ashes in my locket next to my heart and will wear it always.
Mind my other girls and keep them safe while they're here with me.
I love you. I love you.
Hello my darling girl.
Today is the 11th March 2012 - you left us two years ago now. As time has passed, it feels more and more like you're still with me. It took so long to even dream about you but now I feel your presence here all the time.
My heart is not broken anymore but that doesn't mean your beautiful little face is missed any less. Your photos are all around the house and you're always mentioned in conversation. I will love you and thank God for you until the day I join you again.
A little kitten walked in the door two weeks ago and plopped herself on the sofa as if she belonged here. I called her Noa and she is truly beautiful but she's upsetting Lucy so much and I'm leaving Ireland next year so as difficult as it was to do, I decided to find her a home and today, on your anniversary I found the most wonderful family who are taking her in a week. That gives me one more week of cuddles with her.
I'm taking Piper, Lucy and Molly with me next year but I think it's time to find a new home for Stephie. After you died the other three decided to pick on her and she's constantly afraid and I think she would make the loveliest companion for an older person. If she had grown up with all of you maybe it would have been different. I will miss her terribly but want her to be happy.
I still have your ashes and photo in my locket and have never taken it off so you're always next to my heart. I don't visit your page very much but it's lovely to have this tribute to you and to read the kind messages people leave.
You were, are and always will be the love of my life. You were such a godsend - you saved my life and my heart but even if you had never done that, you were magic for just being you.
My beautiful little angel, I hope you're safe and happy and every day I take a step closer to you.
I'll pop back next month for your eighth birthday and for Piper's. She's so fat and cuddly and I know she misses you - nobody washes her or grooms her now. We cuddle each other all the time though.
Lots of love my darling,
Your Mam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I visited your page on your birthday and saw the comments but I didn't leave you a message....that doesn't mean I didn't say hello to you my girl. I say hello to you every day.
Stephie died a few weeks ago....I feel so guilty saying it out loud but it didn't devastate me like your passing did but she was loved. I had a plan about Stephie; I had contacted a woman in Clare about helping me to find her a home with no other cats and when she agreed to help me, Stephie suddenly got sick. Her bloods came back strangely and Tadhg didnt' explain to me exactly what she had contracted (I think after you passed that he doesn't know how to deal with me because of how hysterical I've been in his surgery time and time again - Poor Tadhg) but after a week with him she finally passed away. I don't know how it happened but I had no photos of her except for when she passed.....I picked her up from the vet's and sat on the floor of Granddad's house, washing her and I wrapped her in beautiful pink baby blankets and kissed and cuddled her and apologised for not being a good enough mother.
She wasn't difficult to love; she was such a sweetheart but she hid from everyone because she was so afraid of the other girls, perhaps because I took her in when she was older. It doesn't matter though, I should have been better and spent more time with her. My Phone was stolen recently with the only photo I had of her - wrapped in those baby blankets and I sent so many texts to that number asking them to just forward the photo of her to Lisa's phone but it didn't happen. It's ok though....I will never forget her cute little face and I'm sure you're tormenting her still.....give her a break baby, she's the sweetest little thing. I know if I didn't take her her, that silly man would have put her to sleep but she deserved to be adored as much as you were so now that you're together please be kind to her, she is truly beautiful.
I hope you're happy my girl, my beautiful little angel, my heart!!!! I miss you. i am dealing with life so much better and the loss of you is easier to bear but I will never stop missing you. I close my eyes and see you sitting under a willow tree with little Rufus and now with Stephie - we will all be together again some day my baby but I am ok....I know you made me a better person and I will be a better person for you.
I love visiting you here....it shouldn't matter that many people don't understand how much I loved you because you weren't a person....you were more than a person, you were so pure and clean and perfect and when I say I was loved by you, it didn't matter if I was stupid, fat, ugly or poor.....when I came home, you looked at me the same way everytime. You knew you were safe with me, that I would have done anything for you. I don't expect anyone in this world to ever love me or look at me like you did....that's not a sad thing baby girl....I think I was luckier than so many people to have had your kind of love in my life.
I'm crying again my little angel, my heart, but it's not soul destroying pain anymore - it's just sadness that i don't have you beside me but also happiness that I had you and I know you're somewhere safe and happy and watching me. I love you with every piece of me - I love you so much that I feel I can't express it to you.
My angel, please watch your sisters here with me and mind them - I'm not ready to let go of them yet, I can't do that just yet sweetheart, I don't think I could get up again just yet so that's your job now - mind them!!
I love you baby, I love you.
Thank you for being my heart.
night night baby girl
Hello my baby girl,
I read over the stories of beautiful ceatures that have come to live with the lovely people on this site and smile and cry; they have loved and lost the most beautiful things to ever grace this earth. As I have read the stories of the lives of these amazing creatures I realise that I never told your story - I have approached this site as a means of communicating with you (which is fabulous) but I haven't explained you...what you were and what you did for me.
You came into my life 8 years ago when I was at the lowest ebb in my life. Without boring anyone who reads this about what happened in my life, simply put, I just broke down, I was numb and felt nothing for anyone, for my husband or even my child. For two and a half years before you came into my life I simply counted time until my little boy was old enough that I could take my life. Life had become grey and empty, unbearable. My husband told me one day that he had a present arriving for me and one Friday in May 8 years ago I came home from work mildly curious about this gift - and there you were, cuddled in the arms of my 11 year old son. I laugh now as I say this but I screamed bloody murder that my husband had brought a cat into my house - I hated cats; I would never have hurt any animal but I also didn't have any appreciation for them. I was very house-proud back them and couldn't imagine having anyting in my house that might disturb the beauty of my home.
I told him that this 7 week old little thing had better be gone by the next morning; I stayed on the sofa in the living room with her that night, partly because I didn't want to see my husband and partly because I couldn't leave this little creature alone. When I woke the next morning she was lying next to me on the sofa, looking at me with her big beautiful eyes and her two beautiful little paws on my face, holding my face. It was like a dream....my heart jumped - it was the first time in 2 and a half years that I had felt my heart, felt anyting at all.....I couldn't believe my heart even still worked. I fell head over heels in love with her. I took the following week off of work and then made my husband go back and get one of her sisters so she wouldn't be lonely. Every day, coming home from work was such a highlight....I couldn't believe that I was coming home to her and her sister Piper. Having felt dead for so long beforehand, the feeling of my heart beating was the most beautiful feeling and Phoebe, without anything she could have given me, was beautiful all on her own. She was happy and sweet. She played fetch with hair ties, she practically talked to me and woke me up in a way that I don't think I will ever be able to describe. It took a little longer to warm as much to Piper because she was so nervous and quiet but she is so so beautiful, quietly warm (she reminds me of me - her bark is much worse than her bite :) )
After Phoebe woke my heart up, slowly, very very slowly, I started to see the beauty in life again....although in my mind I knew my son was the most important person or thing in my life, in those two and a half years, I couldn't feel it in my heart (and I am very much a feeling person), but after her arrival, my heart slowly came back to life - I began to feel the most gorgeous love for my son again, began to realise what a beautiful person he was and watch him when he slept, knowing how lucky, fortunate or blessed I was that I had such an amazing child.
Sadly the love i had for my husband never returned (not in the sense it should have), and we didn't make it as a married couple. It took me a long time to leave him but he is one of my closest friends and is marrying again soon - a gorgeous girl who loves animals, and we are all very close; this is much more than I ever could have hoped for - When we separated, we sold our home and went our separate ways. In the meantime I took home with me, two more beautiful sisters, Lucy and Molly. Those four girls, along with my son were the highlight of every day of my life.
When Phoebe, my angel, was 3, she was hit by a car - her injuries were horrendous - and she was miles away from me for 3 weeks undergoing 3 bouts of surgery to save her. Before and after every bout of surgery the vet phoned me, always saying what a sweet little thing she was. She came through her injuries but six month later, one of her legs never healed properly and she had to have it amputated. I cried hysterically when I collected her from the surgery as she clung to me like a baby but when fI took her home she ran out of her cat box and cuddled her sister Piper. I think she must have been so happy to have been pain-free for the first time in six months.
She was just a happy little creature who touched everyone she came into contact with but over the next three years her little tummy was giving her problems - from the accident with the car, which had crushed her pelvis and damaged her digestive system - but when her tummy made those grumbly noises she would just look at me, cuddle into me and purr. I did everything I could (I hope) to help her. I then moved into a house over 2 years ago that had stairs (first time for Phoebe); within 3 weeks of living here, one day my son phoned me from home to tell me she was lying at the bottom step crying and wasn't able to move. I raced home and she was howling in pain. I thought she had fallen down the stairs (she was extremely clumsy) and had broken her other back leg. I cuddled her and kissed her amidst the tears and panic and took her to my vet Tadhg. He told me she had probably broken her back and she was in shock. I couldn't bear the idea that she would be in the surgery on her own overnight so Tadhg took her home to his house. I barely slept that night, praying to anyone out there to mind my baby but Tadhg phoned me first thing the next morning (11th March 2010) to tell me she had died in her sleep. He reckoned she had knocked her head as she fell down the stairs and with the injury to her back, the shock had killed her. Even now, two years later, the memory is breaking my heart and it's so difficult to write this (I'm crying so much I can barely see the screen).
I tell my Phoebe constantly that I don't have the words to explain the impact she had on my life but also to tell her what a hole has been left in my life and heart without her. As much pain as I feel without her here with me, I can't and don't want to, let go of all of the pain of her loss because I feel as though I will be telling her that she wasn't the life and heart-saving ceature she was. Part of me hopes I will never stop crying for her so that she knows how much I loved and love her. I know the people on this site understand this which is what makes this such a haven in which I can express so freely the depth of my love and appreciation for this amazing and beautiful creature. I never thought I was important enough in any creator's eyes that I would be given the chance to share in the life of something so good and so pure.
I will never be the person I was when she was with me but she gave me the courage to change my whole life and I don't want to let that memory down however difficult it is to keep moving sometimes. I didn't deserve something so beautiful - she should have been safe in this world, she should never have had a moment's pain and if there was any way I could turn back time I would switch places with her in a heartbeat.
Some people dismiss animals as secondary creatures on this planet (and I was one of those people for a long time) and at times I feel so angry over this but mostly, they deserve our sympathy that it is such a loss to them that they have not experienced the purest love and our hope that they will do at some point in their lives.
My Phoebe, my light and brightness, I was and never will be deserving of someone as pure as you but am eternally thankful that you shared your life with me. Baby girl, you were gone less than a week when I was bargainining with God to get you back - I told him he could have one of my legs if he would just bring you home to me - a week after your death I fell down the stairs and broke my leg (what irony, huh??? - we are both clumsy).
I think perhaps I was only supposed to have you in my life for a short 6 years to make me see the beautfy in life again, to wake my heart up, to fix it for it was truly broken. I won't ever be the person I was while i shared my time with you but I won't dishonour your precious memory by being a dark person - when we meet again, I want you to be able to see the good in me (however little that may be). I want you to always know that you, a beautiful little calico cat, changed my life, restored my faith in our existence and gave me the courage to move forward.
Now I move forward, always aiming to be a good person so that when I sit under that willow tree, you will walk up to me and be proud that I heard you, that I learned the lessons you taught me, that no matter what happens in this world to me, or others, I can see beauty and love, real love, the love you gave to me.
It's difficyult my girl - I want to give up more than I can say - I cry, I hide, I get angry.....but then I remember you....if I was lucky or fortunate or deserving of the chance of meeting someone as amazing as you, then I have no right but to see the good in others (like you did me) and hope for the best.
Phoebe, I almost choke on the love I still have for you...thank you from the bottom of whatever heart is left in me....I didn't deserve you...I never will.
Please baby, mind those that I love, my baby Samuel, my beautiful girls, my friends, some of whom have lost the most dearest loves themsevles. I beg this of you.
Goodnight my darling. You have my heart. You are my heart.
Goodnight never means goodbye - you're here with me - please don't leave me - I am yours forever.
Your Mam, I love you, I love you, I love you.
Piper's first day out in Scotland
Hello beautiful girl. I haven't been here in a while. It took a few hours to work up the courage to even open your page. I got that old familiar feeling like I was being pushed off a cliff. But I'm ok my darling as I'm sure you are - happy and running around chasing Stephie, Rufus and poor Gizmo who passed a few months back.
I moved to Edinburgh a few weeks ago with Piper, Lucy and Molly and our new addition Lucky who is still very young and keeps tormenting your sisters. I had them all microchipped last week and only let them out yesterday for the first time. Lucy, surprisingly, ran upstairs and hid under the bed. Lucky wasn't terribly interested either. Molly wandered a little but the bravest was Piper which was a huge surprise. She went into the neighbour's yard but bolted when their dog Jamie chased her! She's cuddled up with me here.
It would be lovely to say they all missed you terribly but Molly and Lucy are typical independent cats. Stephie was probably relieved after you left.....at least until the others started to torment her in your place. But Piper has never been the same. She doesn't go outside too much. She's very nervous and waits until the others have eaten before she even dares to go to the food. Sometimes I have to sit by her so she can eat in peace because Lucy just takes everything she has and Piper lets her. Sometimes when she looks at me I jump a little because she looks so much like you.
I miss you so much my angel. I'm not broken anymore and feel like myself again but its only a very recent thing. I finally feel peaceful when I think of you, I feel that you're with me all the time and the soul crushing agony of losing you has finally passed. i never would have believed something could hit me so hard. I mourned your loss in a desperate state for almost 3 years baby. You were worth it and I was afraid that if I got up from the pain, it was like saying it was ok to leave your memory. i know now that wasn't the case. Moving on from your death wasn't moving on from you.
I love you with my whole heart and even if I don't visit this page too often, your photos are all around the house, your ashes in my locked near my heart, the cat teddy with your ashes in her belly and your spirit is here always. Please mind your sisters and new brother....I'm so nervous about letting them out. Please stay with them and guide them home.
I'll be back again soon for your birthday. and Piper's. You'll both be 9 years in April. I feel like you've been with me my whole life. I never imagined something so amazing and pure would come into my life. You are my heart and so is Piper now.
I love you Angel. The sun is shining here and I imagine you running around a big willow tree, happy, on four legs and being a rogue.
I'll be back soon baby girl. You have my heart always. I love you fiercly and completely.,
Your Mam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hey my baby...I'm sorry I didn't visit on your birthday. I kept meaning to but from day to day it got harder and harder. I can't believe I'm over 3 years down the road and still have days where I find myself on my hands and knees crying over losing you. Sometimes I worry that ten years down the line I won't remember the feeling of loving you so much but when I think of the feeling and pain of losing you, I know that won't happen. I think, if I live for 50 more years, I will remember you, your beautiful face, your spirit, your clean and beautiful love, in a way that I will remember nothing else.
Tonight I find myself on my hands and knees again, crying and angry that you were taken from me. What will I do when the other girls go to live with you and leave me here on my own? I'm barely the person you helped me to become; how will I be any use or any good without the others?
I don't think I'm supposed to be in this world my baby girl. It feels wrong all the time; you made it so much more beautiful. I remember coming home every day and within a few minutes of the house I smiled, remembering that you would be there waiting for me, happy to see me, and there just aren't words for what the sight of you did to my heart and soul.
Knowing you and having you in my life for 6 years is worth the desperate feeling of loss I have with me now. 3 years later my heart is still broken over the loss of you.
But...this is where I am right now my baby. I will get up every day, breathe and move and do whatever I'm supposed to do here. But on the inside all I'm doing is counting down to the day that I get to be with you again.
There just aren't words for for how I love you. My body barely contains my heart and I can hardly breathe and the tears just flow from me my darling girl.
I hope someday I will understand why I only had 6 years with you...how something amazing like you could come to me first of all and then how any creator could take you from me when you were my heart and I loved you so much. I don't understand baby. You made me a better person. You were my heart. Now it's a struggle to keep moving and I don't want to be here without you. I will keep moving forward for as long as I can my girl. I won't make your life here pointless....you can't have been given to someone like me for no reason. You outshone anything and anyone in this world.
Please mind yours sisters for me...I'm still so raw from losing you that I don't think i could bear losing them for a long long time. Please mind them baby.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I can't say those words enough. They aren't enough. If you can see into my heart baby, you know what you are to me and the impact you had on me and the loss I live with and the struggle to keep moving forward without you. But I will my darling. I will. And then i'll get to cuddle you forever. Forever.
I love you so much. I miss your face and voice my heart.
night my baby girl.
your mam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Piper on my bed the night you died
Hello my darling girl,
Surprise surprise, I'm crying again. This time I'm crying for your sister Piper. I will make a page of her own but she should be on this one with you. She died on the 11th of this month, August 2013. I wasn't there....again....I never leave them - not since you died. I'm always afraid that something will happen to them and this time it did. Emily and Carol found her. Your vet said she died very quickly, probably a massive heart attack. I hope it was quick and she wasn't looking for me.
I know you're back together again and although my heart is equally broken over Piper, this time I have no fears about where she is. I love you both with all of my heart, my beautiful girls. My life has been richer for having you both in it. I'm moving into a house in the countryside with Lisa and the three evil little lunatic cats God left me with....Lucy, Molly and Lucky. I was so looking forward to bringing Piper to the house...there are fields and trees everywhere. She would have loved it. I'm picking up her ashes on Thursday and I'm going to plant a new little tree with both your ashes mixed into the soil.
I'm attaching a photo of Piper that I took the night you died. She sat on the end of my bed staring up at the ceiling for what seemed like forever - I wonder if your little spirit was in the room and she could see you.
I love you my angels. Be safe and mind each other and remember to keep an eye on my babies left here on earth with me. We'll all be back together again some day.
Night my darling girls.
Your Mam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
My second beautiful angel - Piper
Hello my beautiful girls. I know I don't visit here too often but you are always with me and we chat at home a lot...when I'm not talking the ears off the others.
Can you believe there are six cats living with me now...I know they're a blessing but they have no boundaries and my bed will never be my bed again!
Lucy and Molly are getting on in years but doing really well. Last year Molly started to lose her fur and she went from a beautiful big black ball of fur to this scraggly, scrawny little cat. The vet was reluctant to poke and prod at her too much as she seemed in good health, so I took a different route...I had a couple of energy healing sessions with her. In no time at all, her fur grew back but it grew back white. The vet was stumped but she was stunning! Her fur has returned to black again and she's well. Poor Lucy is missing a couple of teeth but she's still as mean as she's always been. I know she's crazy but I've never seen anyone's face light up like hers does when I come home. It's fabulous.
Lucky is still with us; he's not quite as jumpy as when he came along first but he's still a little strange...but lovely.
Oliver turned up within weeks of Piper dying and he will be 3years old in July. We think there's dwarfism in him because he's quite small and his little squishy face is so beautiful. He reminds me of you. He isn't friendly with everyone else the way you were but he behaves with me the way you did. Also, he likes to sleep with his face pressed right against my mouth and puts his arms around my head.
Two new boys turned up in the last six months; Ginger is an old, big fattie who was abandoned and he really is the friendliest cat. Potter was found my Charlotte in a field. He had been attacked by a bigger animal and we think he may have belonged to a family but pannicked and ran and got disoriented. There was no nervousness in him around people and he ingratiated himself into the family.
So that's all the news baby but I know you know this because you're at home all the time too. Just all of my babies and me! Aren't we a happy family?!!
My loves, while it was truly devastating to lose you, your presence in my life was surprising and amazing. You changed everything. You changed me. You will always have my heart; I couldn't give it to truer little souls.
Thank you my babies.
Your Mam xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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