4/19/12 Tomorrow will be a week since I woke up to find you outside my bedroom limp, in extreme pain, and close to death. I never thought to check on you Thursday night to make sure you were ok. Primarily because you hadn't acted sick. I find out now that you were really good at hiding your pain.

Baby boy, I didn't know. I just didn't know that you were so very sick. I wish that when I thought it odd that I hadn't seen you all evening that I'd gone looking for you. HIndsight is such a wonderful thing, Tobalish. If I had, would you still be with me today? I'll never have that answer but the image of your last minutes, before I had to bravely end your suffering and say good-bye, are in my mind forever. Every time I close my eyes I see those last minutes. Dr. Ed and Magen tell me that you were resting quietly but they knew the end was near for you. They're convinced that you were waiting for me because as soon as I had you in my arms and told you it was ok to say good-bye, you crashed. That was so terrifying for me and it will haunt me until that day in the future when we meet at the Rainbow Bridge to be together forever.

I haven't stopped crying since I found you that morning. My heart is broken and I miss you so much - you were my best friend. God brought you into my life at a time when I needed the unconditional love that you literally smothered me with. I keep asking why He took you from me so soon and without warning. I still need you, little buddy, but all I have is memories and pictures of our time together.

I hope that you're snoozing in the sun, that you have an endless supply of those catnip flavored treats you loved so much, and that you have some good furry friends to play with so you won't be lonely until we're together again.

I love you and miss you, Toby. More than words can say.

Mom

4/21/2012 A week and a day, the longest week I've ever spent. Today I took Annie to Dr. Ed to get a complete blood workup and urine analysis to make sure she's ok and not sick. Next Saturday it's Jinx's turn. Saturday after that, it's Wylie's. The thought of losing any of them like I lost you is more than I can bear to think about.

Dr. Chris took care of Annie today. I'd never talked with her before and I really like her. She tried to help you, too, and cried today when we talked about what a good sweet boy you were. She explained how good cats are at hiding pain and feeling sick and how the signs I now know were there happened so gradually that I never noticed. It's so common to not notice... Dr. Chris knows I feel like I failed you and reassured me that you know that I did everything that I could, that you're grateful that I made the difficult decision to end your suffering, and that you know how very much I love you and miss you. It's such a comforting thought, Toby, and I hope so much that she's right.

Dr. Chris told me that you weren't in pain at all, that you just felt really sick and had trouble breathing. Magen, Lisa, and Allison told me how they all took turns taking care of you - staying with you so you wouldn't be alone, petting you, stroking your cheek, and telling you to be brave and be strong. Knowing that you weren't alone and that you were resting comfortably doesn't ease the pain of losing you but it does help the guilt I've been feeling for trying to save your life and not just helping you cross the bridge. I've felt so guilty thinking that you were in tremendous pain. I know now that you were gone before the pain had a chance to start. Losing you is so difficult but I can rest easier knowing what I know now.

I got your ashes today and it really hit me hard again that I'll never see you, feel the softness of your fur or feel the gentle touch of your kisses. I cried when I held the little container that holds all that's left of you, my baby boy. I'm looking for the perfect urn but for now, the container and the last picture I took of you are in your favorite shadow box in the front of the fireplace. I remember how you used to climb up and sit in it when you were little and I'd like to think that you approve and that you're enjoying the view.

Aunt Susie suggested that I take that picture over to Lowrider Mike and see if he can't do artwork for a new tattoo. If I have your sweet little face on my leg, you'll be with me forever. I really like that idea, Tobalish, and I think I'm going to do that real soon. I've wanted a new one for awhile now but couldn't decide what to get.

I brought Jinx upstairs and have him staying in the front bedroom so he can get over his fear of Bella. I can't let him stay in the basement like he has been anymore, Tobes. Especially now that you're gone. Can you whisper in his ear that Mom needs him and that it's ok to stop being afraid? I can't stand the thought of him in the basement or in the bedroom all alone so I go in there several times a day and brush him and play with him. He's calming down but I still need your help, buddy. Whisper in his ear, ok?

I'm having a memory globe and pendant made from a tiny bit of your ashes. I can't wait to get them - it's going to take about 3-4 weeks. I wish I had them now for the comfort I know they'll bring but it'll be worth the wait. I hope you think that's ok but little guy, I can't bear to let you go. I need to keep you with me, close to my heart, until the pain subsides. I won't be as lonely knowing that you're sitting on my shoulder watching over me every day.

I love you, Toby, and miss you more than I thought was possible. The other guys here are missing you still - they're so quiet and haven't been eating well at all. They'll get better, I know, but a few more whispers from you to let them know it's ok would be really good. Think you can do that for them?

Someone reading this might think I'm a crazy cat lady for writing these little letters to you. I don't care what anyone thinks, baby kitty, you were my best friend and if anyone thinks that way then they've never felt the love of a special kitty like you.

Rest well, baby boy, and know that you're always in my thoughts and you'll always be in my heart.

Mom

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