My Toby:

4/24/2012

The beginning of every day is so hard without you. There's no one trying to steal my makeup brushes or my earrings on the dresser. There's no one trying to "kill" the water hitting the shower curtain when I'm showering. There's no one trying to stick a huge white paw into my cereal bowl. And worst of all, there's no one to jump on my stomach waking me up and saying good morning at 4:30AM.

I never realized just how much I loved all the goofball things you did until I didn't have them anymore. There's not as many laughs and funny moments without you - the rest of the gang is so quiet and calm. I never realized that they were so quiet until you were gone. They're all adjusting although Bella still checks all the rooms every day looking for you. They all refused to eat for a couple of days and I started getting really worried about Wylie, Jinx, and Annie. They're doing better now although Jinx still doesn't like Bella much. :)

Did you whisper in their ears to stop with the hunger strike so they wouldn't get sick, too? If you did, thanks, Tobalish, for watching over them.

I love you baby kitty and wish I could turn back time so that I could get one of your famous "Toby kisses" just one more time.  I miss you so much.

Mom

 4/25/2012

Hope you don't mind but I'm looking at getting a Maine Coon kitten to help us with the empty spot you used to fill. I could never replace my best furry friend in this lifetime but there's always room in my heart for another, especially one that just might be funny and loveable like you were. Bella needs a buddy, a kitten she can grow up with because Wylie, Jinx, and Annie aren't interested in running and playing like you were.

I know you're watching over us all and I don't want you to think you're being replaced because, Tobalish, you will always, always be the #1 furkid in my heart.

I was able to watch the video of you and Bella playing today without dissolving into tears of pain. I laughed so hard that day, little one, and I treasure the memory of all the times you brought joy and laughter into our days. I still cry every day because I miss you so much, but I know that soon the tears will give way to smiles when I remember how special you were.

Help me find the kitten that will help heal our hearts. I know you'll want a say in it and I know that you'll find a way to let me know. I'd rather have you back but for now, I'll find a baby that will help us all heal.

Love you, Toby,

Mom

4/27/2012

Little buddy:

Exacty 2 weeks ago, 4/13/2012 at 12:55PM, we said our final good-byes. The last 2 weeks have been so hard without you. My only comfort is that you're not in pain or feeling sick any longer. I miss you so much that thinking about you still brings tears. It'll be like this for a long time to come.

Another big comfort is the wonderful people who have sent their condolences in your guestbook. They understand my pain and knowing that I'm not alone really helps and I'm so appreciative that they've taken the time to send their thoughts and prayers.

I've learned a couple of big lessons from losing you. I assumed we'd have many more years together and didn't take the time to appreciate you like I should have. I guess you never really know what you have until it's gone. Another is making sure I know even the smallest of symptoms that would tell me when the other kitties might be sick. I make sure that before I go to bed and before I leave for work that I check everyone. If I don't see one of them for a few hours, I go looking to make sure they're ok. Take nothing for granted and protect what you have for it could be taken from you in an instant.

I keep thinking about all that you gave me, asking so little in return. Thank you, Tobalicious, for 5 1/2 years of laughter, joy, and love.

Love you and miss you,

Mom

4/30/2012

Toby,

It's cold and rainy today, just the kind of day where you'd snuggle on my lap while I sat here working. I thought I saw you out of the corner of my eye this morning and automatically called your name. I immediately felt silly because you're not here and I know that. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you and cry because I miss you so much. I remember all the things about you that made me laugh and smile, the things that mean so much. Someday I hope I can remember all the time without my heart breaking all over again. But today is another one of those days and my heart is heavy.

Mom

 5/13/2012

Toby,

One month ago today, 4/13/2012, was the last time I saw your beautiful little face. It's so hard to believe that it's been that long... Sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday and sometime it feels like its been forever. I think of you every day and miss you so bad, baby kitty, that it's still a physical pain. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.

I know that you're in a happy place and that we'll see each other again some day. Knowing that you're watching over me and your "brothers" and "sisters" until then helps some but it's still so hard to be without my Tobalicious. You're always in my heart and I carry you with me wherever I go.

Love you, baby kitty.

Mom

5/19/2012

Toby,

I received the memory glass globe and pendant the other day that holds some of your ashes. The pendant so that I can keep you with me always, physically not just in my heart. The globe so that you are a part of the home we shared and so that I have a reminder of the light and love you brought to my life.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and cry because I miss you so much. I know that my tears are selfish, because you truly are in a better place - a place where pain and illness don't exist. But I selfishly wish you were still here to give me the joy and comfort that I was lucky to have. I was so lucky that you chose me, Tobalish, and I cherish the love and bond we shared.

You are always in my heart and now you're always with me, close to my heart. There's a lot of comfort because I can touch you when I think of you. And it somehow helps it hurt a little less every time.

Love you, Tobalicious.

Mom

5/19/2012

Tobalicious,

No other kitty could ever take your place, baby boy, and the memories you've left me with are so very special. I miss all the things that made you who you were, the Maine Coon traits that I loved so very much. I decided that I need to have joy and comfort similar to all that you gave me and the only way was to find another Maine Coon to share my life.

I found Caoimhe and got her from wonderful lady up north that works hard to give people like me an opportunity to enjoy the unique personality that I miss. Caoimhe is almost 6 months old and has been here for 2 weeks now. She's really starting to become the love-bug that I've hoped she would and is settling in really well. Poor kitten came into a scary new place with the other 3 kitties and our dog, Bella, so she's adjusting faster than I thought she would.

Annie and Wylie gave her a hard time at first but are good with her now. Jinx was good with her from the start and he's not hiding in the basement any longer and isn't afraid of Bella either. Bella is jealous (no surprise there, huh?) but wants to chase and play with Caoimhe. She snuggles up next to me at night like you did and every day she shows a little more trust and affection. Last night she licked all over my face, purring loudly, and patting me with a huge paw. She's not you, baby kitty, but she helps fill the emptiness you left behind. :)

I like to think that you chose Caoimhe for me and whispered in her ear that I needed her. Watch over all of us and keep us all safe and healthy. And someday in the future, we'll be together again and we can catch up on all the missed kisses and love bites.

Until then, Tobalicious, know that you are always in my heart and that I'm so thankful for Caoimhe. I love you and will always miss you.

Mom

4/1/2013

Toby,

My heart is pretty heavy again. Today would have been your 7th birthday... It's been almost a year since you crossed the Rainbow Bridge and there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about you and missed you. The heartache is a physical pain still - I'm convinced now that it'll never go away. Not until the day that it's my turn and I meet you at the Bridge.

Wylie crossed the Bridge and joined you on Feb. 21, 2013 so now the heartache is double. I miss you, baby boy, like it was yesterday that we said good-bye.

Happy Birthday, Toby! I hope you get a special dinner and toy for your special day.

Love you,

Mom

4/14/2013

Toby,

Yesterday was the 1st anniversary of the worst day of my life so far - the day we said good-bye. I can't believe an entire year has gone by. It seems like it was only yesterday...

I often wonder if you're looking down on me, watching over me and our furry family. I often wonder if you're ok but if the Rainbow Bridge is like everyone says, I know you're happy and at peace.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you and miss you with all my heart. It hurt so bad yesterday that often I had to remind myself to breathe. Today isn't much better - it feels like this day a year ago. Many people don't understand how I can still feel this kind of pain. After all they say, you were only a cat. What they don't realize is how special a cat that you were. They never met you.

Watch over all of us, Toby, and know that we'll see each other again when it's my turn to leave this earth. I have a lot to do here so it won't be for a long time, hopefully. But until then, know that you're still my best boy and my best buddy.

Love you and miss you,

Mom